The Roach Enroachment

August 22, 2010 Leave a comment


Yes, you!

Stop living in denial. You know they do it, those little bastards. You check the front door to see if it’s locked. You turn off the gas in your chula and put out the fire. You pay one last visit to the toilet, empty your tank and brush your precious yellow teeth. Satisfied with everything, you finally turn out all the lights and retire to bed. You think you’re in control. But that’s only what they want you to think. Haha. Hahahaha.You poor, stupid, two-legged giant.

The moment you hop into bed, they pop out of all the little creaks and cracks of your house. And they lay claim to your most intimate possessions. Starting from that ugly Manchester United poster hanging from your wall (the one you make out with, every time they lift the Community Shield), to — brace yourself — your toothbrush. Yes, they are crawling around on the very bristles on your brush that were inside your mouth just minutes ago. The very bristles that will be inside your mouth first thing in the morning.

We can no longer ignore the reality of cockroaches walking/sitting/shitting on our brushes. When a crisis of this magnitude comes forth, it is a handful of enlightened people like yours truly, who step up and lead the way. You, being one of the country full of mindless idiots, must follow. For this is the only way to free your toothbrushes from the evil clutches of this creepy crawly monstrosity. This, and applying Knockroach on your brush. But there’s a very real possibility that Knockroach will end up knocking you out as well. Talk about Nemok harami! Besides, let’s be realistic here, you’re way too kipta to actually spend money on poison for cockroaches anyway. So please, stfup and follow my lead.


Do away with all those hapless cap less toothbrushes. If your brush doesn’t have a cap on it, then frankly, you’re just asking for it to be walked/sat/shat on. Of course, using a cap to cover up the bristles isn’t a foolproof way of avoiding contact with the goober limbs of the goober roaches. Some of the really mean ones would always find ways to caress the bristles with their stupid gay antennae by taking advantage of the exposed underside of the cap. Also, I have had the misfortune of very recently finding out that some of the smaller brothers-in-law are adventurous enough to slide their entire body under the cap. Sons of bitches!

So how can you ensure absolutely zero contact of your dear brush with these bibek-hin fiends? The answer is brilliantly simple: Hide it! That’s right, find a place where (shb) no cockroach would ever dream of finding a toothbrush neatly hidden away. My brush, for instance, currently rests inside an uber-sleek, air-tight, state of the art chanachur er dibba.

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Le Débutant

Don’t let that artsy title fool you, I’m not a particularly cultured individual. The only french term you are likely to encounter more than once in my writings would probably be French Fries. And I’m not even sure if that is indeed a French term. Now that I think about it, I have a sneaking suspicion that it isn’t. Well if it isn’t, then please re-read that second line and replace the words in italic with “France”.  France is France in French, right? Right?! Right.

Okay, so this is my blogging debut and here I am making my mark in the Blogosphere. Yes, it’s more of a dot than a proper mark. And yes, many would be tempted to refer to this dot as a stain, but shush now, you’re ruining a historic point in history. I think I’ll celebrate this momentous occasion with a “.” because a period is a dot. And maybe even a “,” because a comma starts off with a dot. But not a “{“, not only because a second bracket has little to do with dots but also because it is the root cause of the ills that is plaguing the human race today. I hate how it starts off with a curve and then reaches the peak in the middle and then painstakingly proceeds to produce a mirror image of the first half of its journey. Like we have all the time in the world to make those perfect curves and the arrogant peak in the middle of a flippin’ math exam.

fries, ketchup, dots, commas and of course the petulant second brackets!

All the good people of the world should unite and raise their collective voice against the atrocities of the second bracket. The unjust nature of its shape has gone unquestioned for far too long, and I’m afraid that if stern measures aren’t taken to correct it immediately, we might have another Watergate on our hands. Yes, that is exactly how serious the whole thing is.

I’m no expert in this field but my common sense tells me that it might help if the Government opened up a 911 styled hot-line, were people could call toll free 24/7 and report their complaints and grievances against this beastly notation that has undoubtedly become a symbol of everything that is wrong with the world today. I can’t believe nobody’s doing shit about the second bracket, while there are countries waging wars for something as trivial as oil.

Please participate in the following poll and show your support for the movement against the barbarities of the second bracket. Thanks! 🙂

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Ending Credits

Dont blame me for dropping this hourglass,
It wasnt meant for my hands.
They were far too nervous and slippery with sweat.
(the hands, not the sand)

Dont point at me when they want to know who’s to blame,
I’m too tired to face their demands for explanation.
It was gravity, and the cold calculative floor.. isnt that obvious?
(the criminals, not the crime)

I’ll remember the noise.
The one that swept over the sound of silence.
The one that corroborated the betrayal of my cramped limbs.
(the one that wasnt really one.. it was a thousand shards breaking in unison, I say)

And in the midst of all this chaos,
I’m still sipping in the lingering smell of silence.
Cold, cruel, unbearable peace.
(it was just silence, not a license to kill, you say)

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